I remember this feature piece I read on CNN once that explained how happiness in our lives is a reflection of the meaningful relationships we have. I agree with this one a hundred percent. Most people don't have many meaningful relationships. The majority of our lives are littered with acquaintances and neighbors and co-workers and people bustling in and out of our lives without really making any footprints. Most of the time we are so distracted by our numerous superficial relationships that we don't realize how few of them actually hold any meaning.
A few years ago, when I was new in college, I had a good group of friends and a handful of those littered relationships. And I was happy. But as I grew up and matured, I noticed myself becoming more and more selective and critical of exactly what kind of people I wanted in my life. I finally got to the point where I had alienated all my friends and just chose to be by myself. Now as I look back, I realize my mistake. Instead of focusing on a few relationships, I spent my time catering to every superficial relationship I had, and those people and those relationships simply drained me. But I also proved something that I had feared all along: I did not have any meaningful relationships. No recognizable footprints.
I still have those meaningless relationships. I'm talking about those people who don't keep in touch but write on my Facebook wall now and then. Or the ones who text me on the weekends to go to clubs for their birthdays. People who don't think of me as an individual but another number to add to their rolodex of acquaintances.
This realization is weirdly enlightening and somewhat depressing at the same time. I don't have a select circle with girls like Carrie, Samantha, Miranda and Charlotte from Sex and the City. I've never had that. I was always the girl outside the circles, floating around groups and never bothering to stay long enough for any of those friendships to mean anything to me. And when anyone got even slightly close, I managed to find a reason to push them away completely. Of course, I know I'm flawed. Silently, I know I have a fierce need for total independence, to be able to say I don't need anyone. Somehow I unnecessarily carved out an entire road for myself and ended up hating how lonely it was. I blamed it on other people and then had too much pride to admit I was wrong. But that's usually how it goes.
Too often we don't realize what we have until it's gone
Too often we're too stubborn to say, "I'm sorry, I was wrong."
Too often it seems we hurt the ones we hold dearest to our hearts
And we let the most foolish things tear our lives apart
Story of my life. Sad, I know.
Believe me, I know.
